


think of me without counting the days

by eleven_twelve



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, it's just sad really, kind of, wonwoo is a bit of an asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 21:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9461666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eleven_twelve/pseuds/eleven_twelve
Summary: It's not that Wonwoo never loved him, it's that Mingyu is running out of reasons to keep telling himself that he still does.





	

**Author's Note:**

> These are snippets from their (not) relationship, the rest needs to be filled in between the lines.

 

September 

They meet in the end of summer, under the fading light of the burning sun.  

Mingyu is working part-time at the local supermarket to pay off his university debt and spends the majority of the days in the cool air flowing from the air conditioner in the back room.  

The city has been sweltering hot for days on end and the humidity makes his black hair stick to his forehead with sweat. It's nothing but uncomfortable and Mingyu wishes for his shift to be over so he can go home and sleep though the last hot moments of the day before mindlessly strolling through the city until his head starts feeling like it might explode.  

A look at the clock lets him know that it's half past six and he's just about to close up for the day when someone loudly barges into the small store. In the doorway stands a distraught looking young man, dark eyes wide, hair messy, doubled-over as he frantically tries to catch his breath. He holds up a hand as if to tell Mingyu not to speak before him.  

"You don't sell mint-chocolate chip ice cream by any chance, do you?" The man manages to ask in between loud intakes of breath, his voice deep like the night sky, "I would do about anything for just a spoonful of it at this point." He laughs loudly, and besides sounding beautiful, it also kind of sounds like he might go crazy at any given moment.  

Mingyu looks at the man from behind the register, slightly confused as to why someone who looks like he's around his age seems so hung up on getting his hands on some mint-chocolate chip ice cream. Mingyu thinks it's not even that good. 

"Well?"  

The man looks at him expectantly, his eyes fixed on Mingyu, seemingly not willing to look away before an answer is given. Mingyu feels self-conscious under the stranger's sharp gaze, forces himself to look away from his undeniably handsome face and turns towards the freezer.  

As he searches the contents of the freezer, he lets his eyes wander over to the man by the door who's fiercely tapping away at his phone, looking more tense than someone his age should during holidays. Behind him the sun is setting between the skyscrapers, and in the dying light he looks so breathtakingly beautiful, ethereal almost, that Mingyu momentarily forgets what he is supposed to be doing. He shakes off the thought and clears his throat. The man looks up, looks real again, and Mingyu doesn't even understand what he feels.  

"I think we're out of mint-chocolate chip ice cream unfortunately," he says, "but we're restocking tomorrow." 

"Fuck!" The man swears, his loud voice bouncing around the store, "This is the fourth fucking store I've been to and I still haven't found Junhui's fucking ice cream." 

Mingyu stares at the man who looks like he's about to start crying right in front of him, doesn’t really know if there's anything he should say.  

"I guess I'll go home then." the man mutters quietly, "Bye." 

He turns around and starts to walk out with his head hung low when Mingyu suddenly remembers that Hansol absolutely adores every flavour of ice cream he finds gross and there's possibly a gigantic tube of the mint-chocolate chip stuff in their freezer. 

"Wait," Mingyu yells after the man, "I think I might have some of the ice cream at home. I live a five-minute walk away, I was about to close up anyway."  

He stops talking after realising he's inviting a stranger to take ice cream that's not even his. Hansol will probably kill him if he finds out.  

"Are you for real?"  

Mingyu feels his heart melt a little at the look he gets, thinks that being killed by Hansol wouldn't be so bad after all. 

"Of course." 

The man runs up to him, white t-shirt lapping around his skinny frame as he moves gracefully. 

"Holy shit, thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me."  

Mingyu has to bite back a smile, "Hey, no problem, I'd love to help out with something important." 

The man flashes him a toothy grin and Mingyu lets out a small huff of air. He doesn’t know what he's just gotten himself into, but he does know that feeling like his skin is on fire isn't exactly a good thing. 

"I'm Wonwoo by the way," the man says as he holds out his hand for Mingyu to shake, "Jeon Wonwoo." 

Mingyu shakes Wonwoo's hand gently, tries not to let his fingers linger.  

"Kim Mingyu," he says, "pleased to meet you." 

(Hansol ends up deleting all the episodes of _P_ _rison B_ _reak_ Mingyu hasn't watched yet from the recorder out of revenge, but Mingyu finds himself not really caring about that when he has a certain Jeon Wonwoo's phone number written on his hand.) 

 

October 

Seungkwan and Minghao notice how much more Mingyu seems to smile when he talks about Jeon Wonwoo. Hansol tells them it's because he is happy that there's no more "gross" ice-cream in the house, Seungkwan thinks it's because he's in love. 

"I barely even know him, Seungkwan, stop talking shit." 

"I'm just saying that you look like a fucking Christmas tree every time he sends you a text, you light up so much," Seungkwan says, opening the fridge and handing Minghao a can of what seems to be some sort of energy-drink. Mingyu quickly takes it from him. 

"You really don't need this," he says, "I don't want you to demolish our apartment."  

His phone pings and he smiles at Wonwoo's name illuminating the screen, Seungkwan shoots him a pointed look.  

"Will we ever meet this guy?" Minghao asks and everyone turns their heads towards him. "Why are you all looking at me like that? I mean come on, Mingyu has been seeing him constantly for almost a month now, when do we get to meet the object of our best friend's crush?"  

"He's just a friend, guys." Mingyu butts in, trying to keep the blood from rising to his cheeks. He knows they know he's lying, he is lying to himself about this too.  

"I'll try to bring him over some time." 

The thing is though that Mingyu has asked Wonwoo before if he wanted to meet his friends, his answer being a hesitant "maybe some other time". Mingyu knows that Wonwoo gets shy around people, doesn't really understand why he was an exception. 

"Maybe you could ask him to come to our movie night on Saturday?" Hansol yells from the living room, "I invited Chan too, so it's alright if you bring someone extra, Minghao can't make it anyway." 

Mingyu looks over at Minghao and raises his eyebrows.  

"What? I'm going back to China for a month, I told you last week." 

Mingyu doesn't really want to admit that Wonwoo's been occupying his mind so much lately that he can't even remember anything. 

"I'll ask him when I see him." He yells back. 

"Or maybe you could just send him a text?" 

He tells himself it's okay, that Wonwoo's his friend, that he won't mind it now that they know each other better. He'll tell him how nice his friends are, and how good their movie choices.  

"Fine." 

(Wonwoo shows up only because he was promised there would be popcorn. He hits it off with Seungkwan and Hansol immediately, tells Mingyu that Chan reminds him of his little brother. 

When Mingyu goes to bed that night, he feels like something inside him has been fixed up without him knowing it had been broken in the first place.) 

 

November

The rain is unrelenting as Mingyu makes his way through empty streets. He missed the bus to the café he and Wonwoo were supposed to meet up at half an hour ago, tries again and again to reach Wonwoo's cell, but he's not picking up. 

"Come on, Wonwoo." Mingyu mutters under his breath, watching the way his words turn into small clouds as they escape his mouth, rubbing his hands together to keep from freezing his fingers off. 

Wonwoo picks up after five rings, "Where are you?" He says, voice rough and slightly nasal, he sounds like he has a cold. 

"I'm so sorry I couldn't make it in time, I missed the bus and now I'm walking in the rain and I think I'm almost there but I'm not really sure."  

Wonwoo sighs deeply on the other side. It's quiet for a few seconds, the rain beating down on Mingyu's head the only noise that fills his ears. 

"Describe your surroundings." Wonwoo says after a while, "I live in the neighbourhood, I'll come look for you." 

Mingyu tries to make the description as clear as possible, but the dark seems to have swallowed him whole and he can't see a thing, the rain blurring his sight only makes it worse. He walks a further along the street, listens to Wonwoo's steady breathing.  

He reaches a place with a statue of a horse, lit up by the lights from the buildings around him.  

"That's just down the street from where I live," Wonwoo says when Mingyu describes it, "I'll be there in five minutes."  

Mingyu hears stumbling on the other side of the line and a friendly female voice replaces the silence in the streets. Mingyu remembers that Wonwoo's been waiting at a café for a long time, feels guilty all of a sudden. 

By the time Wonwoo arrives, Mingyu is shivering, soaked to the bone. Wonwoo looks at him, takes his hands in his and brings them to his mouth, blows a warmth into them that seems to spread through Mingyu's entire body, a warmth that nestles itself in every single cell it can reach.  

"Let's go to my apartment so you can warm up." 

Wonwoo's voice sounds more hoarse in real life than it does over the phone, Mingyu lets it fill his head as they walk next to each other. His hand brushes Wonwoo's gloved one, the latter looks at him from under the hood of his raincoat, city lights reflected in his black eyes, and smiles slightly, softly. He reaches out for Mingyu's fingers, intertwines them with his own. 

The apartment is a lot warmer than Mingyu'd imagined. The walls are dark brown, bookshelves pushed against almost every single one of them, there's a kitchen with light green tiles above the wooden counter, and post cards on the fridge, and on the large couch in the living room lies the sleeping figure of someone about their age in front of a TV playing the end credits to the movie _Her_. 

Wonwoo opens the door to a bathroom with blue mosaic tiles and a large mirror.  

"You can take a quick hot shower, I'll go get some clothes for you."He says, pushing Mingyu inside, "Try not to be too loud because Junhui can be a real bitch when he wakes up."  

Mingyu jumps in the shower and lets the hot water run down his tense shoulders and back, listens to it splattering down on the tiles beneath his bare feet, a sound so monotonous it reminds him of lullaby. He dries himself with a fluffy red towel and pulls on the sweater and sweatpants he finds in a small heap behind the door, they smell like washing powder and rain. 

When he comes into the living room, the TV is off and the room is lit only by a globe with constellations on it. Mingyu walks over to it and sees drawings of what the stars resemble, it reminds him of the lights he saw in Wonwoo's eyes earlier and he smiles. 

"Do you want to stay over tonight?" Wonwoo's voice comes from the shadows behind him, followed by his body that emerges from them. He walks over to Mingyu and rests his head against his shoulders, drips from Mingyu's hair falling onto the bridge of his nose. 

Outside it's still raining and Mingyu knows he doesn't want to go home, knows he would rather stay here in Wonwoo's apartment, in Wonwoo's clothes, with Wonwoo's life all around him. 

He turns around and nods once, "I would like that a lot," he says, hopes his voice doesn't give away how much he wants this.  

Mingyu thinks a lot about what he feels for people, put his friends before him at all times, needs everyone to be happy before he can be. With Wonwoo it's no different but it's like he's a part of him now, it's like Mingyu feels what he feels, thinks what he thinks. Wonwoo makes him feel warm but when Wonwoo's unhappy, Mingyu is cold, so cold and there's nothing he can do but wait for Wonwoo to smile again. He searches for a word to describe his feelings, but when only _love_ comes to mind, he buries it under a pile of meaningless things, tells himself that there's just no way.  

"Let's go to bed then." Wonwoo says, after he's draped a blanket over Junhui.  

Wonwoo's room is colder than the rest of the apartment, full of books and papers, a bit more empty than Mingyu had expected. 

"Sorry that it's so cold, the radiator broke, the landlord is sending someone over to fix it." 

"That's okay," Mingyu retorts, because it really is, because Wonwoo's presence makes him warm anyway.  

They crawl underneath the thick duvet, escape from the cold clawing at their skin, numbing their bones. Mingyu scoots closer to Wonwoo, searches for his hands in the dark. In the faint glow of light seeping in through the curtains, he catches Wonwoo looking at him, eyes shimmering with what can only be the stars that live inside of him.  

It's as if the stars inside of Mingyu awaken too, swell up into large suns, make him feel like he's going to combust, and like the nuclear fusion in real stars, it gives him way more energy that he knows how to handle, so he stops thinking straight and lets his heart have its way.  

He leans over and presses his lips to Wonwoo's, they feel cold against his own, like they've been waiting for company. Wonwoo kisses back a fraction of a second later, although to Mingyu it might as well have been an hour, and he brings his hands up to cup Mingyu's burning cheeks. 

The sound of his heart thumping in his ears drowns out the rain tapping against the windows, drowns out everything that's not Wonwoo. Mingyu feels like he's drowning in the way Wonwoo feels pressed up against him, has to break away from him to breathe. 

"I've been wanting to do that for a while now," Mingyu says. 

"You're an idiot," the elder tells him, cheeks as flushed as Mingyu feels, "for not doing it sooner." 

Mingyu wraps his arms around Wonwoo's waist and nuzzles his face in his neck, breathes in everything Wonwoo is made out of, wants to imprint it in his brain to never forget how he feels. 

"I should do it more often then," he whispers sleepily, eyelids heavy, lips pressed against the warm skin of the other's collarbone. 

"You should." 

 

December

"I'm going home next week," Wonwoo tells Mingyu as they walk along the river, snow crunching under their boots, winter biting at their noses, "I would like you to come along, you know, if you don't have any other plans." 

A silence fills the spaces between them for a couple of seconds, tugs Mingyu's thoughts out of his head and turns them into words. 

"Are your parents going to be okay with that?" He asks cautiously, unsure of what he might mean by that. 

Wonwoo shrugs once, twice, turns to look Mingyu in the eye and stops walking. "Why wouldn't they be?" There's a hint of genuine confusion in his voice, face scrunched up to emphasise it.  

Mingyu looks down at his snow-covered boots, draws lines in the white with the tips of his toes, doesn't really know how to answer Wonwoo without sounding like he cares too much.  

"I don't know," he says quietly, burying his face in his scarf, "my parents wouldn't like it if I came home with some guy they didn't know."  

It had happened one summer, some time after Mingyu had gotten his first boyfriend. He had taken him home for his mother's birthday and ended up crying in the garden because she'd only talked about how he needed to get a girlfriend so he could start up a family. He'd decided on never telling his parents about his sexuality, found that that was a lot harder than he'd imagined. 

"I take a friend for Christmas every year, my parents don't mind strangers one bit." Wonwoo's words cut through his thoughts, make him look up. 

It takes a while for Mingyu to respond. "Oh," he says, smile faltering slightly at the word friend.  

It's not like they'd defined themselves as anything else, anything more, but Mingyu likes to think they are. He tries his best not to feel the way his lungs seem to collapse in on themselves as he holds his breath for too long, instead bows down and pretends to tie his shoelaces. He tells himself that Wonwoo just doesn't want to establish their relationship as something it might not be, but deep down he can't help but think that Wonwoo wouldn't introduce him as his boyfriend even if he was. 

Wonwoo sticks out his hand and pulls Mingyu upright, curls his slender fingers around Mingyu's wrist. Mingyu trails his own fingers along the back of Wonwoo's hand, tries to intertwine them before Wonwoo abruptly pulls back. 

"Not here," he whispers, voice soft like the snow under their feet, "I don't want anyone to find out." 

Mingyu feels a lot colder than before.  

 

January 

On a cold morning, Mingyu finds that there are a lot of things he wants to tell Wonwoo. He wants to tell him that his voice sounds like the night, and that there live stars inside his mind, and that he likes him best when he wears his fluffy yellow jumper.  

Mingyu also wants to tell him that it hurts when Wonwoo shows him the streets of his hometown without telling him how they shaped his life, that it hurts when he wakes up in the morning to a note that lets him know Wonwoo's gone home without waiting for him to ask him to stay just a little longer.  

There's days where Wonwoo loves him so hard that Mingyu thinks he'll never leave again, but then the following days bring empty texts and too much work, and Mingyu's not so sure. 

Nevertheless Wonwoo's there, and Mingyu loves him, and Mingyu won't be the one to tell him things need to change between them. 

  

February

Hansol finds him on the kitchen floor, drunk out of his mind, bottle of vodka sitting half empty on the tiles beside his socked feet. There's a look of helplessness on his face, something sad also, something that Mingyu doesn't want to think is his fault (even though he knows it is). 

Hansol looks down at him, eyes tired, and sighs deeply. Mingyu pats the empty space right next to him, beckons for Hansol to come fill it up, to surround him with the warmth Wonwoo took along when he left earlier in the evening. 

The apartment is so cold that Mingyu can't feel the tips of his fingers, Hansol takes them in his hands and rubs the life back into them, only reminds Mingyu of when Wonwoo did that, back when Wonwoo cared as much as he still does. 

"I wish Wonwoo was here," Mingyu says as he buries his face in Hansol's neck, words slurring together into a nearly incomprehensible sentence, "he left because I told him I love him." 

Hansol shifts, tries to look Mingyu in the eyes, releases a sound from the back of his throat, one that sounds like an apology and an accusation and a consolation all at once. 

"I don’t understand though," Mingyu stammers quietly, the crack that he tried to hold back slipping into his voice, "I thought he loved me back, I thought he'd stay for once." 

"Wonwoo's an asshole," Hansol retorts, and Mingyu knows he doesn't want to say this, knows Hansol likes Wonwoo a lot, knows Wonwoo's not an asshole at all, "a big fucking asshole." 

There's a siren outside, breaking the silence that had settled over them, replacing the white noise in Mingyu's head, shattering the mantra that had been running in circles through his mind, telling him that Wonwoo does love him back. 

When the world falls silent again, Hansol grabs Mingyu's hand and tugs him upright. He fills a glass of water for him and forces him to drink it, puts the bottle of vodka into the cupboard by the TV. 

"Let's get you to bed yeah?"  

Mingyu can only nod, feels like exhaustion is pulling him under, almost forcing him to forget about Wonwoo. The older doesn't leave his thoughts though, hasn't left them in a very long time, the image of him nestling in every corner of his brain. Mingyu feels so lonely. 

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Mingyu asks in a pleading voice. Hansol looks hesitant. "Please, Hansol, we fucked in mine earlier, he is everywhere, I think I might just die if I have to miss him any more."  

The other scrunches up his nose in disgust at the words, but in his eyes is a look that lets Mingyu know that it's okay, that he understands, that he wishes it could be different too. 

Hansol opens the door to his room, as if to tell him to come in, before crawling underneath the covers. Mingyu curls up to Hansol, not missing the way his body feels a lot smaller than Wonwoo's, a lot more toned, a lot less like home, but comforting nonetheless. 

"It's going to be okay," Hansol whispers to him, softly caressing his hair, "You're going to be okay." 

Mingyu can feel the stars inside of him burning up slowly, doesn't think he's going to be okay at all. 

 

March 

The last snow melts away when Mingyu's worries do too.  

Wonwoo is sitting across from him in the library, eyes fixed on a book about astronomy, black hair sticking out from underneath his woollen hat, round framed glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. Mingyu's leaning back in his chair, eyes travelling over to the other's delicate hands that are carefully turning the pages. He stretches out his legs, nudges Wonwoo's feet with his own, encourages him to put down his book and pay attention to him. 

"Wonwoo, I'm bored," Mingyu whines, dragging out the syllables like a little kid would, "can't we do something else?" 

Wonwoo looks up at him, glasses sliding down slightly, he moves a hand to push them back up, sighs deeply.  

"What do you want to do then?" He asks, closing the book and putting it back into the science section.  

"I don't care what we do," Mingyu whispers, "as long as it's with you." 

Wonwoo snorts loudly, earning a shush from the librarian behind the front desk. Mingyu thinks she needs to leave them alone, because Wonwoo's laugh sounds light and warm and Mingyu breathes it in like it's oxygen, knows he can't go without it. 

"You're so incredibly cheesy, do you know that," Wonwoo lets out between bouts of muffled laughter, "it's disgusting." 

Mingyu smiles at Wonwoo, grabs his hand and ducks behind a tall bookshelf, presses a soft kiss onto Wonwoo's lips. 

"You love me," he says. 

Wonwoo averts his gaze to the blue carpeted floor, probably remembers when Mingyu first told him, probably feels so guilty all over again. Then he pulls Mingyu down a bit further, makes sure nobody sees them before pressing their foreheads together. 

"I do," he states, catching Mingyu by surprise, setting his entire body on fire, "I love you a lot." 

It's as if nothing's ever existed but Wonwoo's voice filling his mind with those words. 

 

April 

Spring forces Mingyu out of his apartment, into the hustle and bustle of the city. Spring tries to tell him that something about what he's doing is wrong. Hansol also tells him that, but he doesn't care enough to do something about it. 

(Maybe he does care, and that's the biggest part of the problem to begin with. Wonwoo hasn't talked to him in two weeks, and all Mingyu does is wait for him to text back.) 

It's hot outside, but the shadows of the tall skyscrapers take the sun away from where he's walking. He feels the cold seep into the skin of his exposed arms, regrets not bringing a jacket. 

Seungkwan and Chan are chattering loudly right in front of him, steering his thoughts away from the empty space in his pocket where his phone should be. Hansol took it away because it was interfering with his daily routine, he had said. Now Mingyu checks his email every possible second of the day. Wonwoo doesn't even know his email address.  

"You want to go meet up with Seokmin and Soonyoung?" Seungkwan asks him, waving a hand in front of his face to catch his attention. "They're at Minghao's dance studio, it's been a while since you've seen them, I guess."  

Something in Seungkwan's voice sounds accusing, as if he's trying to guilt-trip Mingyu into coming just because he's been too busy with Wonwoo (or lack of him). Mingyu supposes Seungkwan's right though, he should see what the others are up to, should maybe try to distract himself from the constant sadness gnawing away at his insides. 

"Yeah, I'll tag along," Mingyu agrees, and Chan lets out a little cheer of excitement. Mingyu knows they miss him, misses himself too. 

There are a lot more people at the studio than Mingyu expected, enough people to temporarily take his mind away from his dying stars. He had forgotten how enjoyable Soonyoung's company was, how loud Seokmin's laugh, how blinding Jisoo's smile.  

It's all going incredibly well until Soonyoung want to introduce some of them to one of the new dancers on his team. He calls out a very familiar name, and Mingyu doesn't allow himself to show it, but he feels his heart shatter instantly at the sight of Junhui's handsome face.  

He turns to Minghao with tears threatening to spill out of his tired eyes, begs for him to please get him out of there. Minghao grabs his hand and pulls him into the hallway, lets Mingyu fall apart in his arms, doesn't care that his shirt gets wet from tears. 

Mingyu calms down eventually, wraps his arms even tighter around Minghao's waist, the latter hugging him back as tightly as he possibly can, as if trying to push his pieces back together. 

"What has Wonwoo done to you?" Minghao whispers into Mingyu's hair, and although the question is rhetorical, he has to push down all the answers that come to mind. 

"He let me fall in love with him." 

 

May 

Someone calls him at four in the morning. He wakes up and knows it Wonwoo, because Wonwoo has this habit of leaving people behind sometimes without realising how much he hurts them, and then coming back to tell them about all the things he's done as if he'd never left in the first place.  

Mingyu would like to pick up the phone and yell at Wonwoo for doing that, yell at Wonwoo for making him think that it's over again and again. He can't though, not when even Wonwoo's voice makes his knees buckle as if he's been standing for days on end. Instead he picks up and drowns in the depths of Wonwoo's world as the elder excitedly tells him about some astronomical event taking place for the first time in so long that even Mingyu knows he won't live long enough for him to see it happen again. 

"Wonwoo, I-" Mingyu tries to interrupt, knowing that he's moments away from giving in to whatever Wonwoo's about to ask him.   

"Come on Mingyu, you have to see this." Wonwoo argues, "It's a once in a lifetime experience." 

Something about the determination in his voice convinces Mingyu There's also a curiosity blooming in the back of his mind, making him wonder why Wonwoo decided to return all of a sudden, making him wonder if what he will get to see in the indigo night sky later will really change his life in a way. 

"All right, I'll be there." 

"Come to the park with the willows on the south river bank." Wonwoo sounds like he might combust from excitement any minute, it endears Mingyu in a way, knowing how rare it is to get see Wonwoo like this. "I found a place where the city's light pollution doesn't influence our view on the night skies as much as it would anywhere else." 

Mingyu arrives at the park after a ten-minute metro ride, finds Wonwoo spread out on a picnic blanket, gaze fixed on the handful of stars that litter the deep blue infinity surrounding them. He's wearing that yellow jumper that Mingyu likes so much, and Mingyu just lies down next to him without saying anything. 

There's a heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach, telling him that something's not right. It quickly makes room for a fluttering warmth when Wonwoo slips his hand into Mingyu's and links their fingers together. 

Mingyu turns his head to find Wonwoo already looking at him, a soft smile lighting up his features, making it seemingly impossible for him to have hurt Mingyu in the way he did, even if it had never been his intention at all. 

"What am I here for exactly, Mr. Astronomer," Mingyu asks, genuine curiosity creeping into the corners of his brain. 

A breathy laugh escapes Wonwoo's lips, he pushes them onto Mingyu's for an endless second, lets his stars fill up the cool air around them. 

He then points a finger to the sky right above them, indicating a seemingly empty spot, a black abyss so extensive that Mingyu feels it swallowing him whole. 

"A comet is about to appear right there," Wonwoo whispers to him. "It has been travelling for over three billion years, and it's about to meet its end when it comes crashing into our sun." 

They wait for a long time, enjoying the sound of each others' breaths, the silence of the sleeping city, giving off such a comforting feeling, as if it's always supposed to sound like that. Finally the comet comes, illuminates the sky with it's long blue tail made of ice and dust from a place no human will ever come, and then it's gone.  

They just sit there for a while, Mingyu trying to wrap his head around the fact that this comet was something that's been there for so much longer than he can ever comprehend, and that he just witnessed the end of all it's ever been. 

"Isn't it weird," Wonwoo says when the first traces of orange set the eastern horizon on fire, "how this moment right here, is all there is?" 

Mingyu doesn't say anything. 

"We'll end like that comet too, one day, dying after having been seen only by the ones who decided watching us was worth their time." 

Something about the straightforwardness of the statement makes Mingyu think about how insignificant their lives really are. Wonwoo is the least insignificant person there is. 

He turns to look at Wonwoo once more, kisses his cheek and his lips, says, "I think you're worth all the time there is." 

(Wonwoo hits him for being cheesy, Mingyu just kisses him again to shut him up, Wonwoo lets him.) 

 

June

Mingyu sits upright in his bed, eyes still closed, heart beating loudly in his chest after getting surprised by the sound of the doorbell ringing. He doesn’t remember falling asleep, then again, he doesn't remember a lot these days.  

He briefly considers getting up and opening the door, but hears the soft tread of Hansol's socked feet down the hall and lays back down, opening his eyes when his head hits the pillow.  

The clock on his nightstand tells him that it's seven in the evening which means that he must have slept through the bigger part of his day, maybe he slept for two days straight even. His sense of time really isn't what it used to be, not when time is merely the emptiness between texts from Wonwoo. 

Stripes of orange sunlight seep in through the blinds, fill the room with what is supposed to be the warmth that only summer brings along. Mingyu thinks Wonwoo used to carry this warmth with him too, back when Mingyu could still feel it seep in to his skin and curl into his cells, burning hotter than a thousand stars together, setting him ablaze for what seemed like forever.  

A voice breaks through the fog in his mind. Mingyu closes his tired eyes again, lets his brain focus on the words that slip into his room through the crack underneath his bedroom door. 

On the other side of the apartment, Hansol's voice angrily tells the person at the door that they aren't welcome here anymore. The person at who it's directed doesn't say anything, but Mingyu doesn't need to hear the voice to know that it belongs to Wonwoo. It's as if he can feel it, as if Wonwoo gives off some kind of scent that Mingyu would be able to smell from miles away, like a prey sensing an oncoming attack from a great distance. 

Wonwoo does speak though, his deep voice resonating through Mingyu's entire being, rattling his bones, extinguishing his inner stars. There's some sort of sadness in his tone, a defeat, an acknowledgement of the truth. Mingyu wonders if Wonwoo will ever come back, wonders if his stars have burnt up too, wonders if they will ever be re-ignited again. 

The loud bang of the front door slamming shut forces him into getting up.  

He walks into the living room and spots Hansol on their couch, hands fisted in his dark brown hair, cheeks redder than ever. Mingyu shuffles over and puts a hand on Hansol's back in comfort, doesn't really know what the other is feeling right now, doesn't understand what he himself is feeling either, if he's even feeling anything at all.  

Hansol looks up at him, light eyes filled with tears, and opens his mouth to say something when Mingyu sits down and puts his arms around his friend to shush him. 

"I'm so sorry, Mingyu," he whispers, voice strained, "I just can't let him do this to you anymore."  

Mingyu forces a smile onto his face, tries to find words in the mess of thoughts floating in his head, "It's okay, Sol," he says, voice hoarse from sleep and sadness, "I'm okay." 

"You really aren't." 

A suffocating silence settles over them, both of them not knowing what to say, both of them not knowing how to fix any of this. It eventually shatters when Hansol receives a text from Seungkwan asking to come over. Hansol looks up at Mingyu hesitantly. 

"Do you want to watch movie with us?" He asks, standing up to check on the amount of popcorn that's left in the kitchen cabinets. "Depends on the movie," Mingyu throws back, eager to be distracted by his loud friend and a story that isn't his. "Big Hero 6," Hansol yells from the kitchen, smile audible in the way he talks, knowing that this is one of Mingyu's all time favourites. 

Seungkwan arrives fifteen minutes later, when Mingyu's excitement has already run dry, and plops down on the couch.  

"You ready to have fun?" He asks, voice too loud, mind too bright. It gives Mingyu a headache for the first time ever. "I guess," he says dryly, trying really hard to sound alright. "It's been way too long since I've seen this one," Hansol butts in, pressing play whilst shoving a handful of popcorn into his mouth. "Yeah, me too," Mingyu agrees quietly. 

In the end, he ends up sitting through his favourite movie without even watching a single second of it, because the sun is slowly dying outside the window and Mingyu feels like he's dying too, knows he's dying too, wishes it would just go a little faster. 

 

July 

Something about not feeling anything at all makes Mingyu hyperaware of everything that could've happened. There's a constant nagging in the back of his head, telling him that if he'd just done this and this differently, he'd be okay now. If he'd just let Wonwoo get away without his mint-chocolate chip ice cream, he'd be going for morning runs when the city is still asleep, he'd be drinking coffee with Jeonghan, he'd be taking Chan to the seaside, he'd be alive. 

He also knows that thinking about the endless lives in which he wouldn't have been fucked is the most idiotic and useless thing to do, that he might as well accept the fact that he loves Wonwoo, who frankly does not want to love him back, and that there is no way to un-love him, not when loving him is the only feeling he has left. 

Hansol tells Minghao that he thinks Mingyu might be depressed. Minghao confronts him when the day is so long that it never seems to end, Mingyu just wants to sleep. 

"I think you should go see a doctor, Gyu." Something in Minghao's voice pushes the numbness out of Mingyu's chest, replaces the void there with a soft warmth, like the sun on a winter morning. "We're all very worried about you." 

Mingyu smiles at the way a warm hand seems to curl around his heart, slowly heating it up, tries to tell himself that he feels better, "I'm okay though." 

He finds it hard to believe they are really worried, he knows they care, but he isn't on their mind enough for them to lose sleep over the fact that he never does anything but that anymore. He finds it hard to think about the others when there's only one person in the entire universe who he wants be pitied by, comforted by and cared for by. Instead, it's the only person he gets hurt by. 

He opens his mouth to convince Minghao, to make sure the other knows he's okay, instead feels his facade crumbling under the weight of all the things Wonwoo hasn't said to him. 

"Actually, I'm not so sure anymore." 

Minghao looks at him, really looks at him, and takes his hands in his. "You're sick, Mingyu, we just want you to get better." 

Mingyu doesn't want to cry, but the warmth he feels now is spreading, melting the icy cold thoughts in his head until they leak out of his eyes and find their way to the ground after rolling down his cheeks. He feels hands wrap around him and then he's being pulled into a scent that he knows so well, and he's sure he's never felt this secure in anyone's arms ever before, at least not without having to constantly question the sincerity of the feeling.  

"I never would have imagined having to comfort you." A laugh resonates through Minghao's chest, sounds so familiar to Mingyu that it's almost nostalgic in a way, "yet here you are, sobbing into my shirt for the second time in three months." 

A soft breeze drifts in through the open window, runs its hands through Mingyu's hair, trails its fingers down his spine and whispers in his ears that it's going to be alright. He feels its perseverance as it tries to blow the spark back into his dull eyes, feels it set fire to his inner stars once more.  

"I want to get better, Minghao," he tells him when every piece of Wonwoo has been blown away by the wind, "I need to get better."  

Minghao looks at him and straightens his back, lets some sort of pride slip into his stance. It reminds him of how his brother used to be so proud of him when he won a soccer game or got the best grade of his whole class, reminds him of how he needs to always try his very best.  

"Thank you for being my friend." he whispers, untangling himself from Minghao's grip and laying down on his bed. He yawns loudly and Minghao beams down at him, "You should go to sleep now, you seem very tired." 

"Will you still be here when I wake up?"  

"I need to go to dance practice now, but Hansol will be here, and Seungkwan will be here. You know that everyone is just a phone call away at all times right, we-"  

Mingyu smiles contentedly, doesn't quite catch the rest of his friend's sentence before drifting away, knows it's only good things anyway, knows that if he dreams of Wonwoo again, they'll all be there to chase the images away with their loving words and bright personalities. 

He falls asleep without thinking of dying for the first time in a long while, and really doesn’t want to ever think of it again. 

 

August 

The humid, heavy summer air effortlessly pulls him through the remainder of the holidays. By the time he feels good again, he's up in the early mornings, waking the world up by running across its surface. 

Soonyoung is waiting for him by the large oak in the middle of a park on the north end of the city, where the skyscrapers make room for grassy fields and rolling hills, where the pressure of achieving is a little less noticeable in all of his surroundings. His friend is squinting at his phone, bright light of the waking sun illuminating the world around them. He is sitting down on a low-hanging branch, looking like he hasn't slept in days. 

"Hey dude, you alright?" Mingyu slaps a hand on Soonyoung's back, startling him in the process, making him tumble backwards into the dew-covered grass. 

Soonyoung looks up at him from his position on the ground, looking half ready to kill him, half ready to take a nap right there and then. "What was that for?" He whines, voice too deep from lack of sleep to sound cute. 

Mingyu pulls Soonyoung up and slings an arm around his waist, lets him rest his head on Mingyu's broad shoulders. "I've been working hard on the dance show," he says, words slightly muffled by the fabric of Mingyu's hoodie. "A run will do me good, though." 

The dance show is something Mingyu knows Soonyoung has been looking forward to for months, the elder telling him about new choreographies and his team's improvements every time they chase the rising sun through the sleeping streets. Mingyu used to not want to hear about the dancing team because Junhui is on it, and Junhui inevitably makes him think of Wonwoo, but that's something he's learned to accept and move on from. 

"You're coming to the show right?" Soonyoung asks him breathlessly, turning to look Mingyu in the eye, bleach-blond hair fluttering behind him, waving goodbye to the last traces of the night. "Wonwoo being there and all." 

Something inside Mingyu's chest stirs softly, pushing against his lungs, forcing him to catch his breath way earlier than he should have. He could tell himself that it doesn't mean anything, not anymore, but it does and he knows that. He's almost over it, though, won't let the feelings he used to keep locked up throw away his chance at watching the performance his best friends worked so hard on. 

Soonyoung stands next to him on the bike lane, hand on Mingyu's shoulder, softly rubbing the tension that creeped into his muscles away, smiling. Mingyu can only think that he would rather get hit by a car than miss the show. The discomfort of having to face Wonwoo, of having to look at him in another fluffy sweater, of having to avert his gaze from the bright stars he carries around, is something he'll gladly live through if it means getting to see his friends live their dreams. 

"Of course I'll be there, Soonyoung," Mingyu says after finally being able to breathe again, "How could I ever let Wonwoo come between our friendship?" Something in Soonyoung's gaze softens, as if the sun is going down inside him, painting his mind pink and orange, slowing everything down. It's silent for a while. 

"I'm glad to hear that, Gyu. It's good to know that you're feeling better as well."  

They had never talked about anything being wrong, it makes Mingyu feel ashamed, like he'd kept a secret from someone he trusts with his entire life. He knows Soonyoung would've noticed it in a heartbeat if something was bothering him, but it still catches him off guard. 

"Me too." He silently admits. 

Soonyoung laughs and it sounds too loud, the moment so fragile that the vibrations his booming voice creates leave cracks in it. Even though the morning in the city is so full of life, Mingyu feels like the racket it brings along leaves something incomplete, like something should've been said between them that instead got swallowed up by the rush of people paying no mind to their problems.  

They run for a while after that, each enjoying the summer sun and the wind in their ears. Mingyu doesn't forget about the lost moment they had, can't shake off the thought that something needs to happen. Somewhere in his mind there's a dull ache, a bad aftertaste, a lingering feeling of "what now?" He realises that there's so many things he wants to tell Wonwoo, so many things he wants to ask Wonwoo, figures that the hurt might only really go away if Wonwoo knows it's there. 

At the next bridge over the river, Soonyoung bids him farewell. Mingyu waves at his figure disappearing between the concrete buildings, looks down at the water so far beneath him. It had once seemed so alluring, so easy, the waves had beckoned him. The river still looks the same now, as if it hadn't once secretly invited him to jump away from all his problems, as if it hadn't once tried to be the last thing he'd ever feel. 

Mingyu just hopes that none of his friends will ever have to see it as a way out. 

 

September 

The university campus is swarming with people. Mostly high school seniors and first year students coming to the open days before enrolling in the new academic school year. Mingyu finds himself surrounded by a group of architecture students, waiting in line to hand in their models of the main building. He's cautious not to stumble or run into anyone, not wanting to carry the burden of ruining someone's project on his shoulders along with his own fast approaching sociology presentation deadline. 

When he gets to the large main entrance of the mathematics and science centre he notices, much to his dismay, that it's pouring rain outside. Mingyu considers waiting for the rain to stop, or lessen at least, he figures that if he leaves now, he won't even get out of campus without being soaked to the bone. He turns his gaze to the clock above the reception desk and nearly stumbles over his own feet when he rushes out the door without a second thought. It's half past seven, Soonyoung's show starts at eight.  

In the time it takes him to get to the metro station, the amount of rain has seemingly doubled. The thick, warm droplets fall from the dark clouds without compassion, millions at once, soaking Mingyu's pants and shoes and socks and anything that's not hidden under the fabric of his over-sized, yellow raincoat. The weather makes him think about how different last September had been, which inevitably makes him think of Jeon Wonwoo and his mint-chocolate chip ice cream. 

Mingyu likes to think that he's over it, now that he has his studies to focus on, and his friends, and his work. Yet he still finds himself thinking about Wonwoo the majority of the days, usually during the empty spaces in-between classes, or late at night when the sounds of the city life outside his room make him feel too lonely. There is still that nagging feeling though, and he thinks that the show might be the perfect opportunity to confront Wonwoo. And it's not like Mingyu knows what he's going to say, not at all, but he has to say something, before Mingyu loses him in their colossal metropole and never gets to let go of his own feelings for the other. 

He arrives at Minghao's dance studio fifteen minutes late with soggy shoes that leave wet footprints behind on the concrete flooring of the building. He runs up the stairs to the second floor where the largest room is. In his hurry he doesn't notice the person sitting on the top of the stairs, cigarette dangling from between their lips filling the stairwell with a thick smoke. Mingyu halts on the landing between the first and the second floor, grips onto the chipped blue painted metal of the railing to steady himself. He coughs once when the smoke curls into his exhausted lungs. The person looks up. 

Jeon Wonwoo looks so tired, is the first thing Mingyu notices when his eyes focus on the familiar face in front of him. Through the haze of the smoke Wonwoo's face looks slightly blurred out, as if he's only a memory, as if Mingyu can't quite recall what he's supposed to look like.  

"Sorry for the smoke," Wonwoo apologizes, deep voice still making Mingyu's head spin as if nothing had changed between them, "I just needed a quick stress relief." 

"Tell me about it," Mingyu retorts, taking a drag from the cigarette when Wonwoo offers it to him. He knows it's not good for his lungs, but nicotine had always made him easier.  

They sit in silence for a while, muffled music coming from somewhere down the hallway. Their legs and shoulders are pressed together and Mingyu feels warm. Wonwoo's stars are nowhere in sight, Mingyu figures they might have died too. Wonwoo heaves a sigh from beside him, stretches his long, jean-clad legs, and stands up. He offers Mingyu a hand. "We're missing the entire show," he says. Mingyu only pays attention to the silver band on Wonwoo's middle finger. 

Mingyu grips his hand firmly. It feels familiar in his own, pale fingers wrapped around his tan ones, contrasting starkly like their personalities. The ring is cold against his skin, it leaves an icy mark, as if to remind him that there is nothing between them anymore. Mingyu knows that what they had is over, but it takes every ounce of willpower he has for him to not pull Wonwoo's fingers back when they loosen their grip on Mingyu's, ready to let go forever.  

There's a peculiar feeling in the pit of his stomach. He knows that if he doesn't speak the words he's never going to have the chance again. They're on the tip of his tongue, he just has to open his mouth to let them out of his mind, but he can't do it. He stutters out a small "I-" before shutting up and looking down at the holes in the metal stairs. He can see the floor all the way down to the basement, wonders how long it would take him to get out. Wonwoo spins on his heel at the sound. "What is it?" 

Mingyu looks up at him and it might be a mistake, it _is_ a mistake, but he does it anyway, and drowns in Wonwoo's black eyes the second they meet his. "Why didn't you come back anymore?" Mingyu's voice breaks halfway the question and he hates it, he hates it so much, because he knows how stupid he sounds, knows how sad and desperate and lonely he sounds. Knows that it's because he _is._ He's been leading himself on for these past few months. He's not better, he never was, he's only learned how to cope with his feelings, but now that Wonwoo's standing right in front of him, a hesitant look on his gorgeous, _gorgeous_ , features, Mingyu doesn't know what to do anymore.  

"I don't know," Wonwoo then says, in the smallest voice Mingyu's ever heard from him. He's hurting, he's hurting so much, and he had thought that Wonwoo's answer might make him feel better but it doesn't, oh god it definitely doesn't. He thinks about that time they watched the comet together, thinks about the bad feeling he had way back then, it didn't bode well for them, it never had, but he'd thought it would work out, because Wonwoo loved him, and the more Mingyu thinks about it, the more he realizes that he doesn't know when he stopped (if he ever even stopped at all). 

The smoky haze blurs the edges of everything they've ever had, smudges the boundaries between them, fills Mingyu's head until he can't think straight. All he can see with his tired eyes is Wonwoo, who is looking at him with such a familiar look on his face that it makes Mingyu feel right at home. The elder takes a resolute step toward him, reaches his hands out and wraps them firmly around his neck. He's being pulled in to Wonwoo's warm chest and he almost starts crying at the feeling, because he'd never felt homesick before, not until he'd lost Wonwoo's embrace. 

Then Wonwoo kisses him, softly at first, lips slowly pushing, searching for what feels right. Mingyu can barely take it because he knows what the follow-up will be, he knows Wonwoo will abandon him again, and Hansol will be so mad at him, so mad that he's going to have to piece him back together once again, but Mingyu can't help it, he just needs to be held by someone like this. When Mingyu shoves his tongue into Wonwoo's mouth to deepen the kiss, the latter lets out a soft groan, it makes Mingyu's heart flutter like it hasn't done in a long time and he knows he's so fucked, but Wonwoo feels so good all pressed up against him, so he leaves it be for now, hopes that this doesn't make things worse than they already are. 

The music down the hallway comes to a stop, or maybe Mingyu's heart is drumming in his ears so loudly that he just can't hear it anymore. Wonwoo's hand is halfway down his Mingyu's pants when the door to the stairwell opens and a loud "What the hell?" forces them apart. 

There's a girl in the doorway, soft chocolate brown hair tucked behind her protruding ears, eyes wide and lips pressed tightly together. She must be one of the prettiest people Mingyu's ever seen. Her eyes turn sad and fill with tears, he bottom lip juts out a bit, and Mingyu is so scared that she's going to cry, and even though he doesn't know her at all he feels bad, because he is starting to realize what exactly is going on and thinks he might start crying again too. 

Wonwoo shoots him a quick glare, before running up to the girl, who turns to leave before he can even get to her. He follows her straight away, doesn't even look back at Mingyu as he does so. Mingyu knew so well that this is what would've happened, had prepared himself for the absolute worst, but that doesn't take away the betrayal he feels, it doesn't do anything to lessen the pain that's consuming him from the inside out. He burned himself on Wonwoo's stars once again, will have to bear the consequences of having no self-control.  

He wipes his tears and goes over to the performance room. He finds the dance team sitting on the wooden floor, smiles so wide that their brightness hurts Mingyu's eyes for a split second. They all turn their heads toward him when they hear the creaking of the hinges. Chan immediately jumps up and tackles him into a hug, Mingyu ruffles his hair. "I'm so sorry I couldn't make it," he says, guilt eating away at him, "I got a bit caught up at uni."  

"It's fine, Gyu," Minghao assures him, and smiles, "Happens to the best of us," Chan says. Junhui shoots him a smile too and Mingyu smiles back, hopes he will be able to keep it together.  

After he gets a detailed description of Minghao's backflip from a hyper Chan and a fond-looking Junhui, they leave to take a shower. Mingyu offers to clean up a bit and Soonyoung says he'll help. 

"Spill the beans," Soonyoung demands when the rest of his team has gone off to the dressing rooms. Mingyu almost does, but then his voice cracks again on the first word and he just shatters. He doesn't even try lying to Soonyoung, because the elder can see right through Mingyu, knows him like he knows the city streets and the dance moves to seemingly every song ever made. So Mingyu tells him about what happened, and Soonyoung comforts him, and that's that.  

The elder drives him home after a shower and tells Hansol to look out for him. Hansol climbs into bed with him and hugs him tightly until he falls asleep. He sleeps all throughout the following day. When he finally wakes up the day after, he drinks coffee and spends the afternoon studying statistics in the warm grass of the park by his apartment. When the sun goes down over the city he feels a lot better than he did before, and he realizes that he might not have gotten the closure that he wanted, but at least he let Wonwoo know that he'd hurt him, and now that that's out of the way, he might really start to feel good again. 

He knows that he's still in love with Wonwoo, probably will be for quite some time, but if he wants to achieve the goals he's set for himself, he's just going to have to stop holding on to him, because he doesn't need this anymore, doesn’t need _him_ anymore, finds that he's never really needed more than just himself to make it. 

**Author's Note:**

> i spent a really long time working on this and it was never supposed to have 10k words but here we are. also i really suck at endings so just pretend that the story never really ends at all?
> 
> (i listened to loneliness #3 night talking from the Her ost while writing this and it's a really good song so check it out of u want)


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